I am me.

It took me about 28 years to figure out that I’m amazing. Before that I felt inconsequential, someone who you could easily forget about. Around 25 was the point where I just couldn’t care less about the people that seemed to have a problem with me. Now in my 28th year, I am so very happy to be who I am. I am cool, I am funny, I am so awesome that I have the best friends in the entire world. They actually choose to talk to me on a daily basis. And I am so lucky to have people in my life that want me to be a part of their lives. I’m guessing that this is what most people feel in life. This gradual acceptance of who you are. Of how unique and different you are and owing it. Feeling you are on top of the world and not giving a damn about the people that are judging you from the bottom. This is what it must feel like to fly. To be so high above it all. Far above the pressure of fitting in and fully embracing the differences that make you so very awesome. I still feel it sometimes. To be completely honest I still feel that pull of insecurity. I feel like I’m not good enough. But then I shake it off. Because in the wise words of Florence Welch “it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back!” I think that small sense of insecurity is what makes us human. And I’m human! An amazing, funny, smart, kind, wonderful human!

My Cousins.

I have three girl cousins. My cousin in California is pretty normal, I don't really know if this is true but she is 37, happily married, has a brand new baby boy and is a physical therapist. I'm sure that because she shares genes with me that she has some form of crazy but I, unfortunately, don't see her or talk to her enough to know what it is yet.

My other cousin in California is the closest to my age (three months younger) and is only in San Diego because her husband is in the Coast Guard and is stationed there. She grew up in Seattle and her mom was my dad's twin sister. I've mentioned before that my aunt (her mom) died at an early age from Alzheimer's. My cousin is completely convinced that her mom didn't love her and that she was a terrible mother. I think that my aunt was mentally ill long before my cousin was born and that she just couldn't handle what others have told me was a very difficult child. My cousin was always smart in a book sense. She can read book after book. She loves to read. She also feels that this make her superior. She is a complete narcissist. She has numerous mysterious medical conditions that the doctors can't diagnose. She has ruined her marriage by never compromising and being completely unbearable. And none of it is her fault. She has this superiority that she feels over everyone and it drives me so insane. But I still love and care for her because regardless of what is true she feels that she got a bad deal out of life and I'm an enabler. I want her to be happy so bad but I truly feel that the only person she could ever truly love is herself and her dog.

My closest cousin, the one I am closest with, lives about 150 miles away. Our dads are brothers but I consider her my sister. She is seven years older than me. I was the Maid of Honor in her wedding. This is why she is hard to describe. She is as well a narcissist but in a different way. She doesn't feel superior to many people but she wants to. She cares way too much what people think about her. She cares about material things like brand names. Her marriage is falling apart because she can’t tell her husband how she feels. When I visit her I tend to notice how much she ignores her son, and how much he tries to get her attention, usually in a negative way. I want to tell her these things but I know if I do she will shut down. So I try to give her little hints. I guess I’m a lot like her in the way I can’t tell her how I feel. Sometimes I feel like she is a walking contradiction. She wants to live in a big expensive house, she lives on an old ranch. She likes young men who are very attractive and have a lot of money, her husband, while five years younger, is poor as a church mouse and is balding. She like to get dressed up and be very girly, loves football. I just think that the things that she think will make her happy would be a disappointment. I guess in a sense I feel like she has no direction and knows nothing about herself.

All of this is just me venting about these two above, I don’t have any brothers or sisters. They are the closest I have. I love both of them very much but I’m so sick of listening to the problems they have created for themselves. They both have incredible qualities that I’m jealous of like confidence in themselves and all together they are good, kind people.

Oh, I have a boy cousin too, he is the son of my aunt that passed away. I don’t talk to him. I don’t particularly like him. His girlfriend on the other hand is one of the best people I have ever met and he better put a ring on it because she would make our fucked-up family a little better.

I also had one more boy cousin, he was the brother of the first one I mentioned in California. When I was eighteen, I was driving home from work one night and it was foggy. I will never forget that feeling like something was terribly wrong. The fog felt like a bad omen. I made it home and my parents told me that he had died from a drug overdose. I never even knew he had a problem with drugs. He was an upper-class kid in Beverly Hills, but heroin doesn’t discriminate and is so very deadly. He was 23. His death had an odd affect on me, we weren’t close but it was very difficult for me.

Crushing, Pulsing, Squeezing

I really have no problem being alone.

Which is a complete lie. It is crushing on the inside, to not have someone to share the simplest things with. The little things, inside jokes and stolen kisses. I truly believe that in the long run, it’s the little things that matter the most and when you’ve never had them it hurts even more. When you have a bad day, you have no one to comfort you. When something amazing happens to you, there is no one cheering you on. No one to claim your heart when it’s reaching out for someone.

The longing pulses through your veins, knowing you’re all alone. It’s all you own fault. You push everyone away. No one in your life wants to be with you because you won’t let them. You are a sounding board for all your friends and never let anyone else see how much pain you’re in. That you are down this deep whole that they can’t help you out of. You wonder how you became this way in the first place. What happened to you to so badly damage you.

It squeezes the heart to pretend to be ok. To look alright on the outside but to be utterly jealous of your friends, co-workers, even your own parents. And your friends and family know it’s all an act but it’s this unspoken elephant in the room. No one wants to talk about how someone could be so badly damaged that they can’t even talk to someone because they are so scared. Scared to be rejected, or heartbroken. To have to put walls up someone one can truly see you. Make sure no one can know who you really are. To be the person who is destined to be alone is the most depressing thing in the world.

My biggest wish in the whole world is to be loved, and to love back. Seems so simple but it’s impossible. Or at least it seems so for now.

I shouldn't let it bother me so much

I have a person in my life that I really shouldn’t give the time of day. But the thing is, I feel sorry for them. This person has very little friends and has no one to tell their problems to. I am their number one confidante. But I really am starting to hate them. I’m sick of being belittled and told I’m not smart enough. I’m sick of being told the things I do are wrong and I’m not educated. I’m sick of resenting this person because their problems are ridiculous. They never do anything to correct their problems and never take my advice. They are 100% narcissistic. I can’t get rid of them or just ignore them. This person is someone who will be in my life forever. I’m being very vague here and I have to be. I just really wish they could be a normal person but they never will be.

Happy Anniversary Blog!

It was one year ago today that I published my first post on my first blog. It was just a rambling piece of nonsense but it was my first step of doing something that I always wanted to do, which is have a journal. A journal so I won't forget. Or at least something I can read when I don't remember.  This blog means a lot to me. I'm pretty much the only person that reads it but that is completely fine with me. to me my blog is a place where I can vent and a place where I can rejoice and be sad. I can do what ever I want here and not be judged. This is my place of peace of mind. All I need to do to clear my mind is rock out a few sentences. Happy anniversary The Luxury of Lunacy! This lunatic needs you.

Serenity

I am having the hardest time finding peace in my mind. It's just incredibly chaotic in my head. It has also made it impossible to write anything. I can't even write my horrible poetry that I usually excel at when I'm like this. Things need to clam down in my life and I don't know how to make it. Plus, I hate this time of year. Valentine's Day can go fuck off. And my best friend is getting married in six weeks in Vegas. No time for Virginia. No time at all. I need serenity. I have to schedule it in, I guess.

I'm almost positive I'm psychic

Earlier today I wrote about feeling wrong. I was thinking I was going through a quarterlife crisis. Well my cousin just called me in tears, her dog was hit by a car and was killed. I considered this dog to be part mine. He was old, 11, and deaf and smelly. But when I was in high school I used to leave everyday at lunch to let him outside for ten minutes while she was at work. My cousin traveled a lot and I always took care of him. When she moved hours away and I would come to visit, he would alwaysbe the first to greet me. He would always sit by me whenever I was near. He never forgot me. And I will miss him so much. I understand the feelings from earlier today. A couple years ago my cat ran away while I was on vacation. The whole time I was gone I had a horrible feeling. I never called to check in, which is very unlike me. I knew. When I was eighteen, I was driving home from work one night and it was extremely foggy. I will never forget the ominous feeling I had on that drive home. When I did finally arrive home, my mother told me one of my cousins had died at the age of 23. That was the first time I knew before I found out. I don't really care for this superpower.

Something isn't right

I haven’t been sleeping well again. Three hours last night. I hate just lying there with the stupidest stuff racing through my mind. I get so sick of it. I turn on the TV to stop my mind from racing. Then, of course, I start watching TV. Last night there was a movie on that I’ve seen before called I’m with Lucy. I have no idea why but I love this movie. There really isn’t anything special about it. The only thing I find extraordinary about it is one of the characters is played but the same actor who played Elliot in ET. Except, he’s all grown up. And really cute too. Anyway I just have had this feeling lately of not being right. Like I’m not doing something, I should be doing. I get to work and I instantly feel sick, like really nauseated. I have a giant ball of anxiety in my chest. It’s like I’m in a fight against myself but I don’t know what I want. I have been on the verge of tears all day and I’m sure it’s not hormonal. Just the mention of an old man who was like a grandfather to me and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to cry. And just now, Adele "Someone Like You" is playing. I had to choke the tears back. I’m thinking this is a quaterlife crisis.

WTF happened to November?

Where did it go? December 6th already? It was just January! This is the one thing that really irritates me about aging. It's just seems to go faster and faster. I have been in a bit of a hole for about a month and now that I've come out of it alive and stronger, I have made a few decisions. After months of stressing about whether or not I'll have a job in the new year, I've come the to conclusion that I am officially going to stop stressing about it and just go with whatever happens. I can get a new job, I have the luxury of having family to fall back on if I have to. I’m a very lucky girl. I don't like the feeling of not having control of the situation but I can't always be in control. I just have to keep telling myself that. I can’t remember if I have blogged about any of this. So just a quick recap. My boss is retiring at the end of the year. He has sold the law firm to a new attorney. The new attorney is very worried about money. I (and he apparently) don’t know if he will be able to keep me on full time. I need a full time job. The end. All together I have had a feeling of not being wanted through this whole experience. It took a huge blow to my self esteem and made me evaluate my self worth. But now to hell with him. Or maybe not if he does want me and I’ve been reading the situation all wrong. I don’t know and I just don’t feel like caring anymore.

The Luxury of Depression

It's an excuse to do nothing. But when you don't have time to do nothing it makes it so much worse. All I want to do is crawl into bed and listen to the false voices that tell me I'm worthless. But I absolutely can't. See this is not how I deal with my depression. I usually treat myself like a sick child when I feel the cycle of depression start. But I can't do my usual nothing. I have so much going on. Work is insanely busy. My friends all need me right now. I can't just slip into my bed and do nothing for a day. I just want to sleep. And when I finally can, I just lie there. It's so frustrating! I've never been to a doctor about my depression. I can usually dig myself out of the hole. I'm starting to think I might need to be medicated. I'm just so tired.

Judging People

Judging. We're all guilty of it. I think it's just a part of being a human being. We strive to be the best we can be, but in order to make ourselves feel better about any trouble we have within ourselves, we lash out by deciding that someone else is living their lives the wrong way or making the wrong decisions. I try so hard not to judge people. Mainly because I have no right to do it. I definitely don't want to be judged on my choices because I have made mistakes. Just as much as anyone else has. I think in the long run, all we have to do is just do the best we can. I think that before we judge anyone else, we should step back and decide how it is going to help the situation. We should just realize that we all have a hard road in front of us. Even if you think the person in front of you is living the good life with no problems, remember everyone is battling their own private battle. Whether it's public or a battle within in yourself, everyone has problems. There is no such thing as a small problem when it is your own. Sometimes you learn from your mistakes, sometimes you don't. I think, in the long run, your troubles and decisions how to handle them is what make life worth living. If everything was puppies and rainbows, you'd never be able to really appreciate life fully. If you never had bad, how can you truly be grateful for the good?

Ten years since the world changed...

Ten years ago when I was 16, I was sleeping at home when my mom came into my room and said "Virginia, we're being attacked." I, in a groggy state, turned on the television and watched a replay of the second plane running into the second twin tower. It was absolutely shocking. It didn't fully hit me until I was in my first period English class and we all just sat in silence watching the towers fall. In every single class we watched the television. It was such a quiet day. Looking back on it all, it was a disaster but it brought us all together.  I was proud to be an American and everyone else was too. We all bonded over this tragedy and became a united force to be reckoned with. It was a strange feeling because although I did love my country, I guess I didn't really feel any pride for it. I was just a teenager. But after 9/11 I had a strong sense of community and was very, very proud of my country. I retain that pride today and am still grateful to be an American. I just wish the politicians could work together and help us out of the hole we're currently in. I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget the heroes that died and the ones that lived. And I'll never forget the troops that have fought for us since. Never Forget.

Anger

Such a powerful emotion. I am so angry right now. I really want to tell someone off but I won't because I know it's just the anger talking. It really isn't fair that anger fades. Sometimes I wish it stay and I could use it. If I could tap into it more often I could be a very powerful force. My mother always had one of the hottest temperaments I've ever known. And my Grandmother, holy cow, she turned into the devil. I have it too. It's buried deep down inside me. I have only gotten angry to the point where I couldn't control it twice in my life.  I can usually think with a very level head even when I am angry but there have been those two times that I just saw red. Thankfully, I have never hurt anyone, just broken inanimate objects. I hate that just by writing this I'm no longer angry. I should just tell them how they hurt me. I don't let other people see how they affect me. It would show my weakness and they can never see that. Then they would use it against me.

Sad Day

I work for an attorney in a small city. He has been voted the Best Lawyer for four years in a row, quite an accomplishment because for a small city we have a lot of attorneys. I have worked for him for six years now as a legal assistant. Since it is only a single lawyer practice I only work part time. My mom got me the job since she is his No. 1 paralegal and she needed some extra help. My boss has been an attorney for over thirty years now.  My favorite part of my job is that we are Public Defenders for another small city in our county. It is the only criminal law we do anymore.  It's exciting and fun to be able to help the people who need it. It can be a huge pain in the ass. We get calls from the county jail on a regular basis and they can be very annoying. I would say that the best part are the Thank You cards from the people that genuinely needed help and appreciated that someone cared about them. Recently, because of budget cuts in the county, it has gotten a lot harder to be a Public Defender. We make almost twice as much in the daily practice then we get paid by the state for defending. And since the cuts, they are trying to lump too much together so that my boss has to go to court twice a week instead of once a month. It has been hell to try to keep up on the daily practice and going to court every other day. So yesterday, after we got three new appointments from the court, my boss decided to quit being a Public Defender. And he has also decided that he is retiring at the end of the year. SAD!!!!! First take away my favorite part of my job then, take the job away all together at the end of the year. I'm not really worried about finding a new job. I will be fine. But the Defendants? I just don't know if they will get the same attention form another attorney.

Being Left Behind

I have been the single friend for as long as I can remember. It really isn't by choice, just the result of incredibly high standards for myself and my future partner. I have seen all my friends break up and get back together, and break up and find something new. It sill scares the shit out of me. I have seen the pain in their hearts after a bad break up. And the joy in their eyes at the prospect of someone special.  But there is one thing I will never get used to. Being left behind. When all of your friends are in a relationship and you are still single. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. Not because they are happy but because you are not. You are all alone. And it's pushed in your face when ever you hang out with your happy friends. Being left behind when you spent all this time with your friends almost feels like a break up. When your best friend in the entire world finds a new best friend it sucks. It makes me want to go out and just find the first guy I see and marry him. Life has a funny way of pointing out your flaws and mine is that I'm picky. I know there is someone out there for me but it taking a really long time to find him. So I just need to make some more single friends so I can have fun again.

The real reason for my blog

My aunt was diagnosed with Alzheimer's when she was 56 years old. It was one if the youngest cases the doctors had seen. My aunt was my dad's twin sister. I have a lot of ideas how she ended up with the disease. But one of the most prominent ones was that she just always seemed unhappy. I believe that she left her depression untreated and it led down a path straight to the disease which took her life two years ago. It really scares me. For a little background, my aunt and I did not really get along. I had ADD and didn't do well in school and she thought that was just awful. Those things were important to her. She pushed her kids so hard to get good grades and get higher education that I feel it might have pushed them away. She thought I was a bad influence on my younger cousin. She didn't like me around. But she was my family so I respected her. After my grandparents died she was put in charge of their estate. I was twelve but that was when I noticed something was wrong. She was confused a lot more than usual. She had a hard time with the process of the probate. Three years later she was at the mall and she started to panic because she didn't know where she was. Mall security called an ambulance, shortly later we found out the diagnosis. I don't want to forget. I have so much to remember sometimes. And sometimes I find it difficult to remember. At this point I know I'm just paranoid. So this is something to help me remember if I ever do forget.

Strage Reactions

I told one of my very best friends today that I started blogging. I felt like her reaction was strange. She said "I don't know if I'm OK with that". It was strange not because I didn't feel supported but because I understood. I told her my blog is pretty much completely anonymous. I can understand why she wouldn't want me to talk about her and her life. But it just so happens that she is a part of my life and for some odd reason I have decided to share my life with random people. She shouldn't worry though because there is no reason why I would make her look bad in any light. In my third blog post ever I am already contemplating the idea of deleting it. I won't though because I have built up this really strong, high, wall for my family and friends to break though. They still don't know the real me. I don't know how I got to be this way. But I keep everything to myself. I do not tell anyone how I really feel. I'm so incredibly secretive that it scares me. So I've decided to journal and instead of journaling, I feel that I can post things on my blog and tell my secrets to complete strangers. Because I don't really give a shit how complete strangers feel about me. Maybe in the long run I'll be able to tell people I really do care about how I feel and who I am. But for now its all on you.