Wednesday, January 30, 2013

My Cousins.

I have three girl cousins. My cousin in California is pretty normal, I don't really know if this is true but she is 37, happily married, has a brand new baby boy and is a physical therapist. I'm sure that because she shares genes with me that she has some form of crazy but I, unfortunately, don't see her or talk to her enough to know what it is yet.

My other cousin in California is the closest to my age (three months younger) and is only in San Diego because her husband is in the Coast Guard and is stationed there. She grew up in Seattle and her mom was my dad's twin sister. I've mentioned before that my aunt (her mom) died at an early age from Alzheimer's. My cousin is completely convinced that her mom didn't love her and that she was a terrible mother. I think that my aunt was mentally ill long before my cousin was born and that she just couldn't handle what others have told me was a very difficult child. My cousin was always smart in a book sense. She can read book after book. She loves to read. She also feels that this make her superior. She is a complete narcissist. She has numerous mysterious medical conditions that the doctors can't diagnose. She has ruined her marriage by never compromising and being completely unbearable. And none of it is her fault. She has this superiority that she feels over everyone and it drives me so insane. But I still love and care for her because regardless of what is true she feels that she got a bad deal out of life and I'm an enabler. I want her to be happy so bad but I truly feel that the only person she could ever truly love is herself and her dog.

My closest cousin, the one I am closest with, lives about 150 miles away. Our dads are brothers but I consider her my sister. She is seven years older than me. I was the Maid of Honor in her wedding. This is why she is hard to describe. She is as well a narcissist but in a different way. She doesn't feel superior to many people but she wants to. She cares way too much what people think about her. She cares about material things like brand names. Her marriage is falling apart because she can’t tell her husband how she feels. When I visit her I tend to notice how much she ignores her son, and how much he tries to get her attention, usually in a negative way. I want to tell her these things but I know if I do she will shut down. So I try to give her little hints. I guess I’m a lot like her in the way I can’t tell her how I feel. Sometimes I feel like she is a walking contradiction. She wants to live in a big expensive house, she lives on an old ranch. She likes young men who are very attractive and have a lot of money, her husband, while five years younger, is poor as a church mouse and is balding. She like to get dressed up and be very girly, loves football. I just think that the things that she think will make her happy would be a disappointment. I guess in a sense I feel like she has no direction and knows nothing about herself.

All of this is just me venting about these two above, I don’t have any brothers or sisters. They are the closest I have. I love both of them very much but I’m so sick of listening to the problems they have created for themselves. They both have incredible qualities that I’m jealous of like confidence in themselves and all together they are good, kind people.

Oh, I have a boy cousin too, he is the son of my aunt that passed away. I don’t talk to him. I don’t particularly like him. His girlfriend on the other hand is one of the best people I have ever met and he better put a ring on it because she would make our fucked-up family a little better.

I also had one more boy cousin, he was the brother of the first one I mentioned in California. When I was eighteen, I was driving home from work one night and it was foggy. I will never forget that feeling like something was terribly wrong. The fog felt like a bad omen. I made it home and my parents told me that he had died from a drug overdose. I never even knew he had a problem with drugs. He was an upper-class kid in Beverly Hills, but heroin doesn’t discriminate and is so very deadly. He was 23. His death had an odd affect on me, we weren’t close but it was very difficult for me.

Monday, January 21, 2013


I'm having a weird day. First, I'm a little sad because one of my mom's friends passed away, she was one of my favorites. Just saw her six weeks ago and am really glad I had that last chance to spend time with her. I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning because it's still foggy and cold and I'm sick of it, I would welcome the rain at this point because it would at least mean it's warmer. I watched the Inauguration this morning and it made me a little misty-eyed. I really liked the singing and felt very proud to be an American. I was a little irritated I had to work today because it's technically two holidays, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Inauguration Day. My Boss called and said since we weren't busy I could go home. It's my parent's anniversary. I'm going to make them a cake. My emotions are all over the place and I'm pretty sure I have a red wine hangover from last night.

Monday, January 7, 2013

It's just that kind of day...

Just a minute ago, I logged on to my home page (Yahoo!) and on the right hand corner they have things that are trending. I quickly glanced at it while I clicked on the website I was going to. In that short time I swear to god, it said "Baby Unicorn Killed" as the top trending story. I panicked and quickly went back and somehow my brain mashed up “lottery winner killed” and “unborn babies fingernail.” I think it might be time to go home.