Monday, November 19, 2012

Crushing, Pulsing, Squeezing

I really have no problem being alone.

Which is a complete lie. It is crushing on the inside, to not have someone to share the simplest things with. The little things, inside jokes and stolen kisses. I truly believe that in the long run, it’s the little things that matter the most and when you’ve never had them it hurts even more. When you have a bad day, you have no one to comfort you. When something amazing happens to you, there is no one cheering you on. No one to claim your heart when it’s reaching out for someone.

The longing pulses through your veins, knowing you’re all alone. It’s all you own fault. You push everyone away. No one in your life wants to be with you because you won’t let them. You are a sounding board for all your friends and never let anyone else see how much pain you’re in. That you are down this deep whole that they can’t help you out of. You wonder how you became this way in the first place. What happened to you to so badly damage you.

It squeezes the heart to pretend to be ok. To look alright on the outside but to be utterly jealous of your friends, co-workers, even your own parents. And your friends and family know it’s all an act but it’s this unspoken elephant in the room. No one wants to talk about how someone could be so badly damaged that they can’t even talk to someone because they are so scared. Scared to be rejected, or heartbroken. To have to put walls up someone one can truly see you. Make sure no one can know who you really are. To be the person who is destined to be alone is the most depressing thing in the world.

My biggest wish in the whole world is to be loved, and to love back. Seems so simple but it’s impossible. Or at least it seems so for now.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Random Thought #13

Why are they called Spelling Bees? It seems like a horrible name for a spelling contest.