So I had this crazy dream last night and it's been on my mind all day. I will put footnotes at the bottom of this post that make this all the more confusing.
It begins in the Philly Deli (1), a restaurant I worked at five years ago, of course it melded into the job I now have as a paralegal.
So there I am, taking orders and chatting with my bosses Alan and Michele, the phone rings and this little old lady at a nursing home (2) in town hasn't received the drafts to her Will (3) yet. So I panic and tell my boss but we can't figure out how to get Internet in the restaurant. So we spend sometime trying to figure that out and the whole time I'm still taking orders and clearing tables and doing dishes, etc. I never figured out how to get the Will to the lady and went home.
My best friend from childhood (4) was at my house and I was excited to see her, we talked and eventually fell asleep, I woke up and she was cuddling with me which made me feel very awkward and so I got up and decided to take a shower.
I go to my bathroom and undress. All of a sudden the door opens and my old friend Nathan (5) is there. I can't remember what he wanted but I was naked and he was staring. After I got rid of him some other people barged in on me while I was indecent.
Then my ex-friends-with-benefits, Ian (6), showed up and kept kissing me.
So I finally got rid of everyone and hopped in the shower(7). All of a sudden, this guy breaks down the bathroom door points a gun at me and orders me to get out of the shower. I yelled at him no! After he explained something to me that I can't remember, I felt a little safer but he kept pointing the gun at me and telling me to get out of the shower. I kept saying NO! He tells me he loves me (8) and shoots the fucking shower door and for some reason it is bulletproof. The bullets ricochet and hit him in his side. He starts to bleed out and get out of the shower and hold him as he dies.
Boom! I awake. (9)
1. It was the type of place where you order at the counter and I would serve the food and drinks at the table. I did everything there orders, busing, dishes, etc. I loved it but the recession killed it and the owners had to close.
2. We recently had a shooting at the nursing home two blocks away from my work. It really scared me because I had the back door to my office open all day because if had been freshly painted and it was drying. The person who did the shooting was actually an 87 year old resident and so I was in no danger but it was still a little scary.
3. The last couple months at my current job have been very busy and a little behind so we have had people calling about where there documents are.
4. Mickey is her nickname and she lives in LA. I haven't seen her in years but we still email pretty regularly.
5. Nathan was my best friend when all my friends left me for college. I love him because he was there for me at a really difficult and hard time in my life. I had feelings for him but I'm prettty sure it was because he was the first guy in my life that was there for me. We drifted apart long ago, something happened on my 21st birthday that he couldn't forgive me for but that another story for another day.
6. Oh Ian. We are still friends. No benefits. He has a fiance and I like her. I would never do that to her and I don't have any feelings for him.
7. My personal bathroom does not have hot water. It's no big deal, the bathroon downstairs has hot water and that's where I bathe. My shower is currently a storage for anything I can't fit in my closet. In the dream it was clear and had nice hot water.
8. I can't remember his face. I can never remember their faces when they tell me they love me.
9. So I am downright certifiably insane, right?
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
My Cousins.
I have three girl cousins. My cousin in California is pretty normal, I don't really know if this is true but she is 37, happily married, has a brand new baby boy and is a physical therapist. I'm sure that because she shares genes with me that she has some form of crazy but I, unfortunately, don't see her or talk to her enough to know what it is yet.
My other cousin in California is the closest to my age (three months younger) and is only in San Diego because her husband is in the Coast Guard and is stationed there. She grew up in Seattle and her mom was my dad's twin sister. I've mentioned before that my aunt (her mom) died at an early age from Alzheimer's. My cousin is completely convinced that her mom didn't love her and that she was a terrible mother. I think that my aunt was mentally ill long before my cousin was born and that she just couldn't handle what others have told me was a very difficult child. My cousin was always smart in a book sense. She can read book after book. She loves to read. She also feels that this make her superior. She is a complete narcissist. She has numerous mysterious medical conditions that the doctors can't diagnose. She has ruined her marriage by never compromising and being completely unbearable. And none of it is her fault. She has this superiority that she feels over everyone and it drives me so insane. But I still love and care for her because regardless of what is true she feels that she got a bad deal out of life and I'm an enabler. I want her to be happy so bad but I truly feel that the only person she could ever truly love is herself and her dog.
My closest cousin, the one I am closest with, lives about 150 miles away. Our dads are brothers but I consider her my sister. She is seven years older than me. I was the Maid of Honor in her wedding. This is why she is hard to describe. She is as well a narcissist but in a different way. She doesn't feel superior to many people but she wants to. She cares way too much what people think about her. She cares about material things like brand names. Her marriage is falling apart because she can’t tell her husband how she feels. When I visit her I tend to notice how much she ignores her son, and how much he tries to get her attention, usually in a negative way. I want to tell her these things but I know if I do she will shut down. So I try to give her little hints. I guess I’m a lot like her in the way I can’t tell her how I feel. Sometimes I feel like she is a walking contradiction. She wants to live in a big expensive house, she lives on an old ranch. She likes young men who are very attractive and have a lot of money, her husband, while five years younger, is poor as a church mouse and is balding. She like to get dressed up and be very girly, loves football. I just think that the things that she think will make her happy would be a disappointment. I guess in a sense I feel like she has no direction and knows nothing about herself.
All of this is just me venting about these two above, I don’t have any brothers or sisters. They are the closest I have. I love both of them very much but I’m so sick of listening to the problems they have created for themselves. They both have incredible qualities that I’m jealous of like confidence in themselves and all together they are good, kind people.
Oh, I have a boy cousin too, he is the son of my aunt that passed away. I don’t talk to him. I don’t particularly like him. His girlfriend on the other hand is one of the best people I have ever met and he better put a ring on it because she would make our fucked-up family a little better.
I also had one more boy cousin, he was the brother of the first one I mentioned in California. When I was eighteen, I was driving home from work one night and it was foggy. I will never forget that feeling like something was terribly wrong. The fog felt like a bad omen. I made it home and my parents told me that he had died from a drug overdose. I never even knew he had a problem with drugs. He was an upper-class kid in Beverly Hills, but heroin doesn’t discriminate and is so very deadly. He was 23. His death had an odd affect on me, we weren’t close but it was very difficult for me.
My other cousin in California is the closest to my age (three months younger) and is only in San Diego because her husband is in the Coast Guard and is stationed there. She grew up in Seattle and her mom was my dad's twin sister. I've mentioned before that my aunt (her mom) died at an early age from Alzheimer's. My cousin is completely convinced that her mom didn't love her and that she was a terrible mother. I think that my aunt was mentally ill long before my cousin was born and that she just couldn't handle what others have told me was a very difficult child. My cousin was always smart in a book sense. She can read book after book. She loves to read. She also feels that this make her superior. She is a complete narcissist. She has numerous mysterious medical conditions that the doctors can't diagnose. She has ruined her marriage by never compromising and being completely unbearable. And none of it is her fault. She has this superiority that she feels over everyone and it drives me so insane. But I still love and care for her because regardless of what is true she feels that she got a bad deal out of life and I'm an enabler. I want her to be happy so bad but I truly feel that the only person she could ever truly love is herself and her dog.
My closest cousin, the one I am closest with, lives about 150 miles away. Our dads are brothers but I consider her my sister. She is seven years older than me. I was the Maid of Honor in her wedding. This is why she is hard to describe. She is as well a narcissist but in a different way. She doesn't feel superior to many people but she wants to. She cares way too much what people think about her. She cares about material things like brand names. Her marriage is falling apart because she can’t tell her husband how she feels. When I visit her I tend to notice how much she ignores her son, and how much he tries to get her attention, usually in a negative way. I want to tell her these things but I know if I do she will shut down. So I try to give her little hints. I guess I’m a lot like her in the way I can’t tell her how I feel. Sometimes I feel like she is a walking contradiction. She wants to live in a big expensive house, she lives on an old ranch. She likes young men who are very attractive and have a lot of money, her husband, while five years younger, is poor as a church mouse and is balding. She like to get dressed up and be very girly, loves football. I just think that the things that she think will make her happy would be a disappointment. I guess in a sense I feel like she has no direction and knows nothing about herself.
All of this is just me venting about these two above, I don’t have any brothers or sisters. They are the closest I have. I love both of them very much but I’m so sick of listening to the problems they have created for themselves. They both have incredible qualities that I’m jealous of like confidence in themselves and all together they are good, kind people.
Oh, I have a boy cousin too, he is the son of my aunt that passed away. I don’t talk to him. I don’t particularly like him. His girlfriend on the other hand is one of the best people I have ever met and he better put a ring on it because she would make our fucked-up family a little better.
I also had one more boy cousin, he was the brother of the first one I mentioned in California. When I was eighteen, I was driving home from work one night and it was foggy. I will never forget that feeling like something was terribly wrong. The fog felt like a bad omen. I made it home and my parents told me that he had died from a drug overdose. I never even knew he had a problem with drugs. He was an upper-class kid in Beverly Hills, but heroin doesn’t discriminate and is so very deadly. He was 23. His death had an odd affect on me, we weren’t close but it was very difficult for me.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Life
I'm having a weird day. First, I'm a little sad because one of my mom's friends passed away, she was one of my favorites. Just saw her six weeks ago and am really glad I had that last chance to spend time with her. I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning because it's still foggy and cold and I'm sick of it, I would welcome the rain at this point because it would at least mean it's warmer. I watched the Inauguration this morning and it made me a little misty-eyed. I really liked the singing and felt very proud to be an American. I was a little irritated I had to work today because it's technically two holidays, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Inauguration Day. My Boss called and said since we weren't busy I could go home. It's my parent's anniversary. I'm going to make them a cake. My emotions are all over the place and I'm pretty sure I have a red wine hangover from last night.
Monday, January 7, 2013
It's just that kind of day...
Just a minute ago, I logged on to my home page (Yahoo!) and on the right hand corner they have things that are trending. I quickly glanced at it while I clicked on the website I was going to. In that short time I swear to god, it said "Baby Unicorn Killed" as the top trending story. I panicked and quickly went back and somehow my brain mashed up “lottery winner killed” and “unborn babies fingernail.” I think it might be time to go home.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Ho Hey!
Did you read that last post? Wow pretty crazy, deep shit right there. Now I'm out of my funk!
Whoop!
Feeling large and in charge! Especially large, fricking Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving was a new adventure for me this year. My parents flew to Hawaii, so I was all alone and feeling sad (see last post). Fortunately I got to pick them up. At the airport. In Seattle. On FUCKING Thanksgiving! Everyone was like "Oh there won't be a lot of traffic on Thanksgiving night." They had to be smoking crack. It. Was. Awful.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
First two weeks before Thanksgiving I was pretty sure that I was going to my neighbors house for Thanksgiving. I had talked to him about it and he invited me, which I accepted thankfully because no one else had invited me yet.
Then once word hit the town that my parents where outta town and I was going to be a poor sad only child all by myself for Thanksgiving, the offers came like crazy. My friends, mom's friends, my neighbors at work, my other neighbors at home, my family all over the state. In the end I was invited to 11 Thanksgivings.
I thanked everyone (I was beyond moved and cried a lot) and told them I was going to stick to my original plan to go to Matt's house. Matt came into my office on Wednesday and told me that his uncle (my dad's favorite person) was in the hospital. He needed a triple by-pass and had a giant infection on his foot from an untreated injury.
I told him don't worry about me. Called Milly and she told me to come to her huge family Thanksgiving. When I got there on Thanksgiving there were 26 of us. I have never been to a big family Thanksgiving like that. We had twelve people at the most when I was a kid and my grand parents were still alive. Needless to say it was insane! Too many people not enough room to move and a LOT of alcohol flowing. It was pretty awesome.
After I went to Milly's house to play a couple card games before I had to leave to get my parents. I checked their flight to see if it was going to be late. No it was going to be a half hour early. I switched cars to my mom's Impala. And was on my way in the some of the most congested traffic I had ever seen. It was still moving but going under the speed limit. I finally got the the cell phone lots at Sea-tac and had to pee soooooooooo bad. But I couldn't find the Port-a-Potty. I finally found it and it was disgusting as usual. I'm pretty sure I have some sort of communicable disease now. My parents called and I picked them up and told my dad I was driving.
He said that was fine but then he started yelling at me every five seconds to switch lanes. The Impala has huge blind spots and I hate merging lanes so we fought a little about that. We finally got home four hours after I left. Such a happy Thanksgiving.
The next day I went to Annie's house for her Thanksgiving and it was a ton of fun. Then we had a really little family Thanksgiving on Sunday with my parents.
All in all, I had a great time and love it this year. Plus I never had to do dishes! SCORE!
Uncle Bill (Matt's Uncle) had his triple by-pass last week and is moving to a rehab facility near my work today. I am going to go visit him tomorrow I think. He is doing well and walking around a little.
Whoop!
Feeling large and in charge! Especially large, fricking Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving was a new adventure for me this year. My parents flew to Hawaii, so I was all alone and feeling sad (see last post). Fortunately I got to pick them up. At the airport. In Seattle. On FUCKING Thanksgiving! Everyone was like "Oh there won't be a lot of traffic on Thanksgiving night." They had to be smoking crack. It. Was. Awful.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
First two weeks before Thanksgiving I was pretty sure that I was going to my neighbors house for Thanksgiving. I had talked to him about it and he invited me, which I accepted thankfully because no one else had invited me yet.
Then once word hit the town that my parents where outta town and I was going to be a poor sad only child all by myself for Thanksgiving, the offers came like crazy. My friends, mom's friends, my neighbors at work, my other neighbors at home, my family all over the state. In the end I was invited to 11 Thanksgivings.
I thanked everyone (I was beyond moved and cried a lot) and told them I was going to stick to my original plan to go to Matt's house. Matt came into my office on Wednesday and told me that his uncle (my dad's favorite person) was in the hospital. He needed a triple by-pass and had a giant infection on his foot from an untreated injury.
I told him don't worry about me. Called Milly and she told me to come to her huge family Thanksgiving. When I got there on Thanksgiving there were 26 of us. I have never been to a big family Thanksgiving like that. We had twelve people at the most when I was a kid and my grand parents were still alive. Needless to say it was insane! Too many people not enough room to move and a LOT of alcohol flowing. It was pretty awesome.
After I went to Milly's house to play a couple card games before I had to leave to get my parents. I checked their flight to see if it was going to be late. No it was going to be a half hour early. I switched cars to my mom's Impala. And was on my way in the some of the most congested traffic I had ever seen. It was still moving but going under the speed limit. I finally got the the cell phone lots at Sea-tac and had to pee soooooooooo bad. But I couldn't find the Port-a-Potty. I finally found it and it was disgusting as usual. I'm pretty sure I have some sort of communicable disease now. My parents called and I picked them up and told my dad I was driving.
He said that was fine but then he started yelling at me every five seconds to switch lanes. The Impala has huge blind spots and I hate merging lanes so we fought a little about that. We finally got home four hours after I left. Such a happy Thanksgiving.
The next day I went to Annie's house for her Thanksgiving and it was a ton of fun. Then we had a really little family Thanksgiving on Sunday with my parents.
All in all, I had a great time and love it this year. Plus I never had to do dishes! SCORE!
Uncle Bill (Matt's Uncle) had his triple by-pass last week and is moving to a rehab facility near my work today. I am going to go visit him tomorrow I think. He is doing well and walking around a little.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Crushing, Pulsing, Squeezing
I really have no problem being alone.
Which is a complete lie. It is crushing on the inside, to not have someone to share the simplest things with. The little things, inside jokes and stolen kisses. I truly believe that in the long run, it’s the little things that matter the most and when you’ve never had them it hurts even more. When you have a bad day, you have no one to comfort you. When something amazing happens to you, there is no one cheering you on. No one to claim your heart when it’s reaching out for someone.
The longing pulses through your veins, knowing you’re all alone. It’s all you own fault. You push everyone away. No one in your life wants to be with you because you won’t let them. You are a sounding board for all your friends and never let anyone else see how much pain you’re in. That you are down this deep whole that they can’t help you out of. You wonder how you became this way in the first place. What happened to you to so badly damage you.
It squeezes the heart to pretend to be ok. To look alright on the outside but to be utterly jealous of your friends, co-workers, even your own parents. And your friends and family know it’s all an act but it’s this unspoken elephant in the room. No one wants to talk about how someone could be so badly damaged that they can’t even talk to someone because they are so scared. Scared to be rejected, or heartbroken. To have to put walls up someone one can truly see you. Make sure no one can know who you really are. To be the person who is destined to be alone is the most depressing thing in the world.
My biggest wish in the whole world is to be loved, and to love back. Seems so simple but it’s impossible. Or at least it seems so for now.
Which is a complete lie. It is crushing on the inside, to not have someone to share the simplest things with. The little things, inside jokes and stolen kisses. I truly believe that in the long run, it’s the little things that matter the most and when you’ve never had them it hurts even more. When you have a bad day, you have no one to comfort you. When something amazing happens to you, there is no one cheering you on. No one to claim your heart when it’s reaching out for someone.
The longing pulses through your veins, knowing you’re all alone. It’s all you own fault. You push everyone away. No one in your life wants to be with you because you won’t let them. You are a sounding board for all your friends and never let anyone else see how much pain you’re in. That you are down this deep whole that they can’t help you out of. You wonder how you became this way in the first place. What happened to you to so badly damage you.
It squeezes the heart to pretend to be ok. To look alright on the outside but to be utterly jealous of your friends, co-workers, even your own parents. And your friends and family know it’s all an act but it’s this unspoken elephant in the room. No one wants to talk about how someone could be so badly damaged that they can’t even talk to someone because they are so scared. Scared to be rejected, or heartbroken. To have to put walls up someone one can truly see you. Make sure no one can know who you really are. To be the person who is destined to be alone is the most depressing thing in the world.
My biggest wish in the whole world is to be loved, and to love back. Seems so simple but it’s impossible. Or at least it seems so for now.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Random Thought #13
Why are they called Spelling Bees? It seems like a horrible name for a spelling contest.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)