Most days, I just don’t think about it. Then something happens. I don’t have days like this because I won’t let myself. But I get let down by someone I rely on. And it’s always something so small and stupid. Today my best friend let me down by not going to a fitness class. That’s it. She had more important things to do with her boyfriend.
Last time I can really remember this happening my other best friend was beginning a relationship that I knew was it for her. I felt abandoned. I was miserable because they don’t get it. My girls are all I have. I am terrified of guys. I do not want to be judged. I don’t want to be hurt. I do not know how to even start to put myself out there. I am too shy. I can’t talk to guys. I’m crippled. I just can’t.
So today after being ditched at the gym. I get a phone call and it was all downhill from there. I came home to be alone. I could feel the tingling behind my eyes. I didn’t want to start. But I am never alone, am I? I live with my parents. My mother did something so small and tiny that shouldn’t have upset me. But it did. I lashed out and cried in my bed for ten minutes, went to the bathroom and cried on the floor for a little while.
And now here I am trying to feel better by purging my feeling where no one will ever find out how extremely fucked up I am. I feel a little better. But the loneliness is still there.