Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Someday

Just one week, someday in the future, I am going to do nothing for anyone else and everything for myself.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Cat people

One time I woke up at  three a.m. and saw my cat lying on the floor in the dark. I talked to her for about two minutes before turned on the light and saw that it was a dufflebag.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Christmas - ruined.

Ruined.

Well that didn't take long considering it's only October but people are determined to ruin my Christmas. My all time favorite holiday when I was a child has been demoted to a nuisance by my friends. Why, you may ask? Money. Time. Using your brain to actually think about a person other than yourself. It's just such hard work. And above all it has to be fair.

That's not Christmas. I don't want anything in return. I just want you to be happy and I want to present you with a token of my gratitude. I want to thank you for being my friend. I want you to feel loved because I do love you. That is why I give you a present. 

So this is what I want to say but I'm not really going to say it:

I understand that your dad doesn't want to do any presents. I won't get him anything then. But you will not take away my holiday. I will get you something, I will use my brain to think of something thoughtful. I will spend however much I want. I will do something completely unselfish because I love you and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

Monday, July 1, 2013

I am me.

It took me about 28 years to figure out that I’m amazing. Before that I felt inconsequential, someone who you could easily forget about. Around 25 was the point where I just couldn’t care less about the people that seemed to have a problem with me. Now in my 28th year, I am so very happy to be who I am. I am cool, I am funny, I am so awesome that I have the best friends in the entire world. They actually choose to talk to me on a daily basis. And I am so lucky to have people in my life that want me to be a part of their lives. I’m guessing that this is what most people feel in life. This gradual acceptance of who you are. Of how unique and different you are and owing it. Feeling you are on top of the world and not giving a damn about the people that are judging you from the bottom. This is what it must feel like to fly. To be so high above it all. Far above the pressure of fitting in and fully embracing the differences that make you so very awesome. I still feel it sometimes. To be completely honest I still feel that pull of insecurity. I feel like I’m not good enough. But then I shake it off. Because in the wise words of Florence Welch “it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back!” I think that small sense of insecurity is what makes us human. And I’m human! An amazing, funny, smart, kind, wonderful human!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Random Thought #14

I have no idea how to use a dishwasher. I really need to learn how to use one. Hand washing is just easier.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Insane in the brain

So I had this crazy dream last night and it's been on my mind all day. I will put footnotes at the bottom of this post that make this all the more confusing.

It begins in the Philly Deli (1), a restaurant I worked at five years ago, of course it melded into the job I now have as a paralegal.

So there I am, taking orders and chatting with my bosses Alan and Michele, the phone rings and this little old lady at a nursing home (2) in town hasn't received the drafts to her Will (3) yet. So I panic and tell my boss but we can't figure out how to get Internet in the restaurant. So we spend sometime trying to figure that out and the whole time I'm still taking orders and clearing tables and doing dishes, etc. I never figured out how to get the Will to the lady and went home.

My best friend from childhood (4) was at my house and I was excited to see her, we talked and eventually fell asleep, I woke up and she was cuddling with me which made me feel very awkward and so I got up and decided to take a shower.

I go to my bathroom and undress. All of a sudden the door opens and my old friend Nathan (5) is there. I can't remember what he wanted but I was naked and he was staring. After I got rid of him some other people barged in on me while I was indecent.

Then my ex-friends-with-benefits, Ian (6), showed up and kept kissing me. 

So I finally got rid of everyone and hopped in the shower(7). All of a sudden, this guy breaks down the bathroom door points a gun at me and orders me to get out of the shower. I yelled at him no! After he explained something to me that I can't remember, I felt a little safer but he kept pointing the gun at me and telling me to get out of the shower. I kept saying NO! He tells me he loves me (8) and shoots the fucking shower door and for some reason it is bulletproof. The bullets ricochet and hit him in his side. He starts to bleed out and get out of the shower and hold him as he dies.
Boom! I awake. (9)

1. It was the type of place where you order at the counter and I would serve the food and drinks at the table. I did everything there orders, busing, dishes, etc. I loved it but the recession killed it and the owners had to close.

2. We recently had a shooting at the nursing home two blocks away from my work. It really scared me because I had the back door to my office open all day because if had been freshly painted and it was drying. The person who did the shooting was actually an 87 year old resident and so I was in no danger but it was still a little scary.

3. The last couple months at my current job have been very busy and a little behind so we have had people calling about where there documents are.

4. Mickey is her nickname and she lives in LA. I haven't seen her in years but we still email pretty regularly.

5. Nathan was my best friend when all my friends left me for college. I love him because he was there for me at a really difficult and hard time in my life. I had feelings for him but I'm prettty sure it was because he was the first guy in my life that was there for me. We drifted apart long ago, something happened on my 21st birthday that he couldn't forgive me for but that another story for another day.

6. Oh Ian. We are still friends. No benefits. He has a fiance and I like her. I would never do that to her and I don't have any feelings for him.

7. My personal bathroom does not have hot water. It's no big deal, the bathroon downstairs has hot water and that's where I bathe. My shower is currently a storage for anything I can't fit in my closet. In the dream it was clear and had nice hot water.

8. I can't remember his face. I can never remember their faces when they tell me they love me.

9. So I am downright certifiably insane, right?

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

My Cousins.

I have three girl cousins. My cousin in California is pretty normal, I don't really know if this is true but she is 37, happily married, has a brand new baby boy and is a physical therapist. I'm sure that because she shares genes with me that she has some form of crazy but I, unfortunately, don't see her or talk to her enough to know what it is yet.

My other cousin in California is the closest to my age (three months younger) and is only in San Diego because her husband is in the Coast Guard and is stationed there. She grew up in Seattle and her mom was my dad's twin sister. I've mentioned before that my aunt (her mom) died at an early age from Alzheimer's. My cousin is completely convinced that her mom didn't love her and that she was a terrible mother. I think that my aunt was mentally ill long before my cousin was born and that she just couldn't handle what others have told me was a very difficult child. My cousin was always smart in a book sense. She can read book after book. She loves to read. She also feels that this make her superior. She is a complete narcissist. She has numerous mysterious medical conditions that the doctors can't diagnose. She has ruined her marriage by never compromising and being completely unbearable. And none of it is her fault. She has this superiority that she feels over everyone and it drives me so insane. But I still love and care for her because regardless of what is true she feels that she got a bad deal out of life and I'm an enabler. I want her to be happy so bad but I truly feel that the only person she could ever truly love is herself and her dog.

My closest cousin, the one I am closest with, lives about 150 miles away. Our dads are brothers but I consider her my sister. She is seven years older than me. I was the Maid of Honor in her wedding. This is why she is hard to describe. She is as well a narcissist but in a different way. She doesn't feel superior to many people but she wants to. She cares way too much what people think about her. She cares about material things like brand names. Her marriage is falling apart because she can’t tell her husband how she feels. When I visit her I tend to notice how much she ignores her son, and how much he tries to get her attention, usually in a negative way. I want to tell her these things but I know if I do she will shut down. So I try to give her little hints. I guess I’m a lot like her in the way I can’t tell her how I feel. Sometimes I feel like she is a walking contradiction. She wants to live in a big expensive house, she lives on an old ranch. She likes young men who are very attractive and have a lot of money, her husband, while five years younger, is poor as a church mouse and is balding. She like to get dressed up and be very girly, loves football. I just think that the things that she think will make her happy would be a disappointment. I guess in a sense I feel like she has no direction and knows nothing about herself.

All of this is just me venting about these two above, I don’t have any brothers or sisters. They are the closest I have. I love both of them very much but I’m so sick of listening to the problems they have created for themselves. They both have incredible qualities that I’m jealous of like confidence in themselves and all together they are good, kind people.

Oh, I have a boy cousin too, he is the son of my aunt that passed away. I don’t talk to him. I don’t particularly like him. His girlfriend on the other hand is one of the best people I have ever met and he better put a ring on it because she would make our fucked-up family a little better.

I also had one more boy cousin, he was the brother of the first one I mentioned in California. When I was eighteen, I was driving home from work one night and it was foggy. I will never forget that feeling like something was terribly wrong. The fog felt like a bad omen. I made it home and my parents told me that he had died from a drug overdose. I never even knew he had a problem with drugs. He was an upper-class kid in Beverly Hills, but heroin doesn’t discriminate and is so very deadly. He was 23. His death had an odd affect on me, we weren’t close but it was very difficult for me.