Alone.

Most days, I just don’t think about it. Then something happens. I don’t have days like this because I won’t let myself. But I get let down by someone I rely on. And it’s always something so small and stupid. Today my best friend let me down by not going to a fitness class. That’s it. She had more important things to do with her boyfriend.

Last time I can really remember this happening my other best friend was beginning a relationship that I knew was it for her. I felt abandoned. I was miserable because they don’t get it. My girls are all I have. I am terrified of guys. I do not want to be judged. I don’t want to be hurt. I do not know how to even start to put myself out there. I am too shy. I can’t talk to guys. I’m crippled. I just can’t.

So today after being ditched at the gym. I get a phone call and it was all downhill from there. I came home to be alone. I could feel the tingling behind my eyes. I didn’t want to start. But I am never alone, am I? I live with my parents. My mother did something so small and tiny that shouldn’t have upset me. But it did. I lashed out and cried in my bed for ten minutes, went to the bathroom and cried on the floor for a little while.

And now here I am trying to feel better by purging my feeling where no one will ever find out how extremely fucked up I am. I feel a little better. But the loneliness is still there.

Someday

Just one week, someday in the future, I am going to do nothing for anyone else and everything for myself.

Cat people

One time I woke up at  three a.m. and saw my cat lying on the floor in the dark. I talked to her for about two minutes before turned on the light and saw that it was a dufflebag.

Christmas - ruined.

Ruined.

Well that didn't take long considering it's only October but people are determined to ruin my Christmas. My all time favorite holiday when I was a child has been demoted to a nuisance by my friends. Why, you may ask? Money. Time. Using your brain to actually think about a person other than yourself. It's just such hard work. And above all it has to be fair.

That's not Christmas. I don't want anything in return. I just want you to be happy and I want to present you with a token of my gratitude. I want to thank you for being my friend. I want you to feel loved because I do love you. That is why I give you a present. 

So this is what I want to say but I'm not really going to say it:

I understand that your dad doesn't want to do any presents. I won't get him anything then. But you will not take away my holiday. I will get you something, I will use my brain to think of something thoughtful. I will spend however much I want. I will do something completely unselfish because I love you and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

I am me.

It took me about 28 years to figure out that I’m amazing. Before that I felt inconsequential, someone who you could easily forget about. Around 25 was the point where I just couldn’t care less about the people that seemed to have a problem with me. Now in my 28th year, I am so very happy to be who I am. I am cool, I am funny, I am so awesome that I have the best friends in the entire world. They actually choose to talk to me on a daily basis. And I am so lucky to have people in my life that want me to be a part of their lives. I’m guessing that this is what most people feel in life. This gradual acceptance of who you are. Of how unique and different you are and owing it. Feeling you are on top of the world and not giving a damn about the people that are judging you from the bottom. This is what it must feel like to fly. To be so high above it all. Far above the pressure of fitting in and fully embracing the differences that make you so very awesome. I still feel it sometimes. To be completely honest I still feel that pull of insecurity. I feel like I’m not good enough. But then I shake it off. Because in the wise words of Florence Welch “it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back!” I think that small sense of insecurity is what makes us human. And I’m human! An amazing, funny, smart, kind, wonderful human!

Random Thought #14

I have no idea how to use a dishwasher. I really need to learn how to use one. Hand washing is just easier.

Insane in the brain

So I had this crazy dream last night and it's been on my mind all day. I will put footnotes at the bottom of this post that make this all the more confusing.

It begins in the Philly Deli (1), a restaurant I worked at five years ago, of course it melded into the job I now have as a paralegal.

So there I am, taking orders and chatting with my bosses Alan and Michele, the phone rings and this little old lady at a nursing home (2) in town hasn't received the drafts to her Will (3) yet. So I panic and tell my boss but we can't figure out how to get Internet in the restaurant. So we spend sometime trying to figure that out and the whole time I'm still taking orders and clearing tables and doing dishes, etc. I never figured out how to get the Will to the lady and went home.

My best friend from childhood (4) was at my house and I was excited to see her, we talked and eventually fell asleep, I woke up and she was cuddling with me which made me feel very awkward and so I got up and decided to take a shower.

I go to my bathroom and undress. All of a sudden the door opens and my old friend Nathan (5) is there. I can't remember what he wanted but I was naked and he was staring. After I got rid of him some other people barged in on me while I was indecent.

Then my ex-friends-with-benefits, Ian (6), showed up and kept kissing me. 

So I finally got rid of everyone and hopped in the shower(7). All of a sudden, this guy breaks down the bathroom door points a gun at me and orders me to get out of the shower. I yelled at him no! After he explained something to me that I can't remember, I felt a little safer but he kept pointing the gun at me and telling me to get out of the shower. I kept saying NO! He tells me he loves me (8) and shoots the fucking shower door and for some reason it is bulletproof. The bullets ricochet and hit him in his side. He starts to bleed out and get out of the shower and hold him as he dies.
Boom! I awake. (9)

1. It was the type of place where you order at the counter and I would serve the food and drinks at the table. I did everything there orders, busing, dishes, etc. I loved it but the recession killed it and the owners had to close.

2. We recently had a shooting at the nursing home two blocks away from my work. It really scared me because I had the back door to my office open all day because if had been freshly painted and it was drying. The person who did the shooting was actually an 87 year old resident and so I was in no danger but it was still a little scary.

3. The last couple months at my current job have been very busy and a little behind so we have had people calling about where there documents are.

4. Mickey is her nickname and she lives in LA. I haven't seen her in years but we still email pretty regularly.

5. Nathan was my best friend when all my friends left me for college. I love him because he was there for me at a really difficult and hard time in my life. I had feelings for him but I'm prettty sure it was because he was the first guy in my life that was there for me. We drifted apart long ago, something happened on my 21st birthday that he couldn't forgive me for but that another story for another day.

6. Oh Ian. We are still friends. No benefits. He has a fiance and I like her. I would never do that to her and I don't have any feelings for him.

7. My personal bathroom does not have hot water. It's no big deal, the bathroon downstairs has hot water and that's where I bathe. My shower is currently a storage for anything I can't fit in my closet. In the dream it was clear and had nice hot water.

8. I can't remember his face. I can never remember their faces when they tell me they love me.

9. So I am downright certifiably insane, right?